Andy Williams famously sang the song “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”. Other artists have done their own rendition over the years but the lyrics are the same.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you be of good cheer
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
It’s the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It’s the hap-happiest season of all

Is it really the happiest season of all though? Up until 21 years ago, it was for me. I loved Christmas and had Christmas Spirit. I have vivid memories of past Christmas’ as a kid. The excitement of ripping off the wrapping and seeing the toy I asked Santa for or being surprised with a toy that I didn’t ask for.

I loved going to my maternal grandparents house for Christmas dinner and opening more presents. I was excited to see all my aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I was excited to walk in their house and get smacked with the aroma of turkey cooking in the oven.

Sadly, I don’t remember much of my paternal grandparents. They passed away before or around the time I was born. All I have is pictures of them.

As I got older, the excitement died down a little but I still enjoyed getting presents and being surprised. I still liked getting together with my family and smelling that turkey.

I mentioned at the beginning my Christmas spirit changed 21 years ago. Actually, it didn’t change it went poof!

It was 2004 and I was married to my wife. We didn’t have kids yet but we were trying. My father was in his 4th year of battling pancreatic cancer. I found out about his cancer on our honeymoon of all things in 2000. Looking back I was completely numb and had no idea what that meant. Maybe naive is a better word.

My father’s cancer had gone into remission maybe a year before and thought the worse was over. Wrong. The cancer caused additional problems and probably came back. Again I was naive, numb, or simply couldn’t process what that meant. I didn’t understand what my father and mother were going through with the treatment, surgeries, procedures, etc.

While my father was not doing well neither was my maternal grandmother. She had lung cancer and was going into treatment for that too. Without going further down the rabbit hole, my father passed away 10 days before Christmas and my grandmother passed away on New Years Eve…two weeks later in 2004

To this day, I don’t know how my Mom dealt with it. Lost her husband and lost her mother in the span of two weeks. My grandmother spent the rest of her life including Christmas in the hospital.

For me, I was lost. I don’t know how else to describe it. Maybe I should have gotten therapy at that time or maybe just opened up to my wife more. I don’t know. I do know my heart hurt badly. On my wife’s side of the family she sadly lost several aunts, uncles, and other relatives when we were dating then married. I didn’t know what it was like to lost a loved one. I remember my great grandmother passing away but I was a kid back then and didn’t process what was going on.

With my father and grandmother, I knew exactly how it felt and it sucked. My Christmas spirit was gone. I didn’t care about presents. I didn’t care about decorating. I feel like that was the beginning of me going down the road of being an introvert. I didn’t process or handle their loss very well. To this day, I obviously miss them and wish my father along with grandmother were still around to meet my kids.

When my kids were born in 2006 and 2008, my Christmas spirit came back little by little. To see the joy on their faces unwrapping their gifts and being surprised made me happy. My perspective on Christmas had changed. I really didn’t care much for what I got. I wanted to get things my kids wanted.

As I write this, my Christmas spirit is still not what it used to be. I much rather stay home, open gifts, and eat dinner in the comfort in my house. Not having to worry about changing clothes and driving. I’m not close to my Mom’s side of the family like I used to be so I spend most of my time going to my sister in laws house.

Even going to their house simply doesn’t bring that joy anymore. Loading up the car with gifts, food to cook, etc. is too much work. We don’t even exchange gifts. We started this white elephant tradition which is stupid. Buy a gag gift and then the family randomly picks a gift, decides to keep it or trade it, and that’s it.

Maybe I’m too much of a grinch and the product of being an only child growing up, not having a close family. Maybe it’s the fact I’m getting older and simply want to be antisocial. After all, I have enough going on with work as a federal government employee.

With Christmas being 2 days away, I’m trying to change my mood but it’s hard. There are a lot of things that I get anxious over and I’m trying to find a way to deal with it. The biggest is my wife’s health. After her tripe bypass surgery, she hasn’t gotten better and I have to help her a lot. In the back of my mind, I wonder how many Christmas’ does she have left or is there a Christmas miracle in our future where she’ll get better.

It may be the most wonderful time of the year for some but it’s still not for me. I’ll just wake up in 2 days and make the best of it.